Her Secret, His Love-Child Read online

  He’d wondered how he would feel if it turned out Samantha was his.

  He now had his answer.

  He felt lucky, privileged and terrified all at the same time.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  KATRINA put Samantha back in the pram and looked up. She found Alex staring at their daughter with an odd expression. ‘What?’

  He shook his head. ‘I still can’t believe she’s mine.’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re so surprised. As I told you before, one time using no protection is all it takes.’

  ‘I know.’ He gazed back steadily with eyes almost the exact same shade as his daughter’s. ‘But what you don’t realise is that I had a vasectomy in my early twenties.’

  Her mouth dropped open.

  She blinked.

  ‘What the—?’ She snapped her mouth closed, dragged in a breath, and then another. ‘You have to be joking?’

  He shook his head. ‘No. I’m perfectly serious.’

  ‘But the condoms…?’ She rubbed her temple, hoping the action would clear the fuzziness in her head—because she was very confused. ‘Why would you insist on using condoms if you’d already had a vasectomy?’

  ‘Condoms protect against disease as well as pregnancy, so I’ve made a habit of wearing them. Since you weren’t on the Pill it made sense to keep on using them. If I hadn’t, you’d have wondered why. And, frankly, I didn’t want to discuss a personal decision which is nobody’s business but my own.’

  Katrina had heard every single word he’d said, but on one level they just didn’t make sense. It was as if he had suddenly started speaking in another language.

  ‘But why on earth would you have a vasectomy?’ Katrina said, asking the very question he’d originally set out to avoid answering.

  ‘I would have thought the reason was obvious.’ He looked her straight in the eye and made no attempt to soften the blow he was about to deliver. ‘Because I didn’t want children.’

  His answer sucked the air from her lungs. Her chest felt so tight she could hardly breathe. Her heart stopped, stammered and restarted with a wallop.

  While she was still reeling, Alex continued. ‘The doctor who performed the surgery explained that there was a certain failure rate with the procedure, but I had all the necessary tests and believed it was a success. Since Samantha is my daughter, then obviously it failed somehow.’

  Katrina didn’t comment. The whys and wherefores were of no interest to her. It was the bottom line that concerned her.

  And the bottom line was that Alex didn’t want children.

  What did that mean for their little girl? she wondered, anxiety tearing her insides to shreds.

  ‘Aren’t you going to say “I told you so”?’ Alex asked, raising an eyebrow.

  She shrugged. ‘What’s the point? This isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. This is about Sam. I only want what’s best for her. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’

  Alex grimaced. ‘I’m sorry for doubting you.’

  She barked out a harsh laugh that had no amusement in it. ‘Considering what you’ve just told me, I suppose you had your reasons. But you still had no right to turn on me the way you did. You said some pretty horrible things to me. I never cheated on you, and I don’t believe I ever behaved in a way to suggest that I would. The least you could have done was give me the benefit of the doubt.’

  ‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’

  Katrina inclined her head. ‘Apology accepted.’

  He looked surprised but pleased by her response. ‘Good. Then we can move forward with a clean slate.’

  ‘And what exactly does moving forward mean? If you don’t want children, does that mean you don’t want Sam? Because I’ll tell you here and now that I want her to have both of her parents in her life. It’s important to me.’ To emphasise just how important, she added, ‘Sam has no other blood relatives on my side of the family. If something happens to me, she’s going to need you. I don’t want her to be put into an orphanage or the foster-care system. She deserves more than that.’

  ‘You’re young and healthy. There’s no reason to expect anything will happen to you for many years to come.’

  ‘I’m not willing to take the chance. Accidents happen all the time. And the risk of me not being in her life when she’s older is higher than I’d like.’ At his enquiring look, she added huskily, ‘Breast cancer runs in my family. I lost my grandmother, my aunt and my mother to the disease. I don’t like my odds of not getting it.’

  His frown deepened. ‘Aren’t there tests for that kind of thing?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes, although all it can do is identify whether I have the gene or not, not if I’ll get the disease.’

  ‘And you’ve had the test?’

  She nodded.

  ‘And…?’

  ‘And I have the gene,’ she replied simply.

  Alex paled beneath his skin. ‘And there’s nothing they can do?’

  ‘I could have a double mastectomy, but I’m not ready to do that. I want more children, and I’d rather breast feed them if I can.’ She shrugged. ‘Regular mammograms and self-examination is about all I can do—apart from taking care of my overall health, of course.’

  Alex just stared at her. It was clear he was stunned by what she’d told him.

  ‘But can you see why it’s so important to me that she has both of us?’ Katrina said softly.

  He nodded. ‘Well, you can set your mind at ease. I have every intention of being a part of Samantha’s life.’

  Relief swept through her, unknotting muscles she hadn’t even known she’d had. ‘That’s great.’

  Alex stared at her, face expressionless. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking but for some reason she began to feel uneasy, a restless sensation attacking the base of her spine.

  ‘So we’re in agreement, then?’ he asked. ‘We have to do what’s best for Samantha?’

  Although the question appeared straight forward, there was an odd note in Alex’s voice that she couldn’t quite decipher. It made her unease expand quickly into out-and-out wariness. ‘Of course. That’s why I came back.’

  But was it the only reason? a little voice whispered in her head.

  A couple of days ago her answer would have been a clear and resounding yes.

  But now Katrina wasn’t so sure.

  The way she’d kissed Alex two nights ago had thrown her thought processes into chaos.

  She had a sneaky suspicion that a part of her had wanted to come back because she’d wanted to see Alex again.

  ‘Good,’ Alex said, breaking into her thoughts. ‘Then the only logical course of action is for the two of you to move in with me.’

  Katrina blinked. Dragged in a breath. Blinked again.

  Surely she hadn’t heard him right?

  Because she thought he’d just said…

  Well, she thought he’d just said…

  She shook her head.

  No. Whatever she thought she’d heard was wrong. It had to be.

  ‘Say that again,’ she said.

  He didn’t hesitate. ‘You heard me. I want you and Samantha to move in with me as soon as it can possibly be arranged.’

  The strength and conviction in his voice convinced her.

  She’d heard him right the first time. And the second.

  Katrina looked away from him.

  His suggestion had caught her way off-guard. Whatever she’d expected him to say, it wasn’t that.

  Bitter irony pinched at her insides with razor-sharp claws. There was a time when she’d wanted nothing more than to live with Alex. If he’d asked her a year ago she’d have been over the moon.

  But he hadn’t asked, so there was no point wishing he had.

  And now…

  Well, as far as she was concerned, it was much too late.

  ‘I thought you didn’t do permanent live-in relationships?’ she said, referring to the warning he’d given her when they’d first started sleeping together.<
br />
  ‘I don’t. Or, at least, I didn’t. But circumstances have changed somewhat, wouldn’t you say?’ he said, with a pointed glance at the pram.

  Katrina followed his gaze. ‘I suppose they have.’ She looked back at him. ‘So you’re prepared to sacrifice your freedom for Sam—is that what you’re saying?’

  ‘I wouldn’t put it exactly like that but, essentially, yes.’

  His answer shouldn’t have hurt but it did.

  Those pincers went to work on her insides again, this time getting their razor-sharp edges into the centre of her heart.

  Katrina didn’t understand her reaction. She didn’t love Alex any more. Why should she care that he was prepared to give up his freedom for his daughter when he hadn’t cared enough for her to do the same?

  ‘Well…?’ Alex prompted when she just stared at him.

  ‘I hardly think living together is necessary,’ she said in a cool voice.

  ‘Well, I do.’

  She’d heard that tone before. It was the ‘I always get what I want, so you might as well give in now’ tone.

  Well, he wasn’t getting what he wanted this time.

  Angling her chin, she said, ‘Well, that’s too bad. I don’t want to live with you.’

  Alex frowned, clearly surprised by her response. No doubt he’d expected her just to blindly do what she was told.

  She could understand why he thought that; once upon a time, that was exactly what she would have done.

  But not now.

  Becoming a mother had changed her. She had more than just herself to think about now.

  She could no longer avoid conversations or situations she wasn’t comfortable with. Not when they affected Samantha. Her daughter had to come first.

  ‘I insist.’ His tone was smooth but underlined by steel.

  ‘You can insist all you like, but it won’t change my mind.’ She splayed her hands out wide and adopted a conciliatory tone; arguing wasn’t going to get them anywhere. ‘If you’re worried about access, then don’t be. I won’t fight you regarding visitation. You can see as much of Sam as you like. I don’t want there to be a tug-of-war between us, nor do I ever want her to feel as if she has to choose between us.’

  ‘She won’t have to. Because we’ll be living together.’

  The phrase ‘immovable object’ immediately sprang into her mind.

  Alex could be both stubborn and determined. Those qualities had certainly helped him to become the success he was today. But they could also be extremely annoying.

  Because if he thought she was going to move in with him after the way he’d treated her, then he was out of his mind.

  ‘It’s the only practical solution. I want to see Samantha every day, not when some schedule tells me I can.’ Alex held up a hand as she opened her mouth to speak. ‘And don’t tell me there wouldn’t be some kind of timetable, because we both know there would have to be.’

  She sighed. ‘OK. I suppose you have a point. But you need to look at the big picture.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘I thought that was exactly what I was doing. Isn’t raising Samantha in a family environment the best thing for her?’

  ‘In a real family the mother and father usually love each other,’ Katrina shot back. ‘That hardly applies in our case.’

  ‘Love is a highly overrated emotion. It doesn’t pay the bills and it doesn’t keep you warm at night.’ Tension drew his shoulders up towards his ears. ‘I’ve seen some pretty horrible things done in the name of love. Frankly, I don’t want anything to do with it.’

  ‘If that’s the case, then I feel sorry for you. You’re going to miss out on so much. But we’re straying from the point. What effect do you think living with the two of us will have on Sam? We do nothing but argue. That’s hardly a healthy atmosphere for a child to grow up in.’

  He gave her a meaningful look. ‘I think what happened in this very room two nights ago proves we do more than argue.’

  Colour swept up her neck and into her face. ‘Hang on a minute. Let me get this straight—when you suggested we move in with you, I thought you were talking about a platonic arrangement. Kind of like one of those marriages of convenience but without the marriage. Are you now suggesting we live together for real? That you and I…?’ She stopped and licked her lips. ‘Resume intimate relations?’

  ‘Intimate relations? If by that you mean having sex then, yes, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. The aim is to provide Samantha with a real family with all that that entails.’

  Alex had briefly considered asking Katrina to marry him but had quickly dismissed it as an option.

  The DNA test had provided his legal claim to his daughter and living together offered more flexibility. He also liked the idea of being able to walk away if things started to go wrong.

  ‘Sex is hardly a sound basis to build a relationship on,’ Katrina said scathingly.

  ‘It’s better than having nothing,’ Alex shot back with the speed of light. He was determined to get what he wanted, and he was prepared to hammer each and every one of Katrina’s arguments into the ground if that was what it was going to take. ‘There have been plenty of relationships that have survived with far less. I always thought our physical relationship was rather special. I consider that a real bonus. Besides, aren’t you ignoring the fact that we used to get on pretty well?’

  ‘Used to, Alex. Past tense. I haven’t noticed us getting along too well since I came back.’ She shook her head. ‘It would never work.’

  ‘How do you know? How can either of us know?’ He paused before saying softly, ‘But don’t you think we owe it to Samantha to try?’

  Katrina bit down on her lower lip.

  She was obviously thinking about it.

  Their daughter was her weak point—a fact that he would use to his advantage.

  He would do anything and everything within his power to make Katrina agree to move in with him.

  After what seemed like for ever, Katrina slowly shook her head. ‘I can’t. To put it bluntly, I don’t want to get involved with you again. After the way you’ve treated me, I don’t think I can trust you again.’

  Alex moved closer to her, his face determined. ‘Just fifteen minutes ago I apologised for those things and you accepted. We agreed we would move forward with a clean slate.’

  Katrina frowned. ‘You’re right, I did. But that only extends so far.’

  ‘A conditional acceptance?’ Alex asked with a raised eyebrows.

  She nodded. ‘If you want to put it that way, then, yes. When I accepted your apology it meant that I’m willing to be civil to you whenever we meet. It also means I’m prepared to work together with you to decide what’s best for Sam. It doesn’t mean I either want to move in with you or start sleeping with you again.’

  Alex wagged a finger at her. ‘Ah, but now you’re contradicting yourself.’

  She frowned more deeply, clearly confused. ‘And how am I doing that?’

  ‘Aren’t you the one who said this was about Samantha?’

  She nodded. ‘That’s what I said. So…?’

  ‘So you’re making this all about you and what you want, not what’s best for her.’

  He heard her sharp inhalation of breath. Saw her eyes widen.

  The room fell silent.

  Alex waited for a moment and then went for the jugular. ‘I’m willing to sacrifice my freedom to give Sam the family she deserves. What are you prepared to sacrifice?’

  He’d used the shortened version of their daughter’s name quite deliberately. He was playing on Katrina’s emotions, but he didn’t care.

  He had to convince her that moving in with him was the right thing to do.

  He intended to be a good father to Samantha, and he couldn’t do that if she was living somewhere else.

  Honesty also forced him to admit that this wasn’t just about Samantha.

  This was also about the fact that he wanted Katrina. What had happened here two nights ago proved that beyo
nd a shadow of a doubt.

  As he’d just told her, he’d always thought that what they’d shared was special.

  So special, in fact, that he wasn’t ready to let it go.

  Finally, Katrina cleared her throat. ‘You’re suggesting I sacrifice myself for my daughter?’

  ‘That’s a rather melodramatic way of putting it but, yes, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Besides we both know there wouldn’t be any sacrifice involved,’ Alex continued confidently. ‘You want me.’

  Katrina stared at him but didn’t answer.

  Alex smiled. ‘I’ve kissed you twice in as many days and you’ve kissed me back both times.’

  Her chin made its way into the air. Still, she didn’t say anything.

  His smile widened. ‘Don’t worry. You don’t need to say anything. I know.’

  She tossed her head, sending her caramel-coloured hair swirling around her shoulders. ‘You’re not omniscient, Alex. You don’t know everything.’

  His eyes dropped to her mouth. ‘I know that it would only take one kiss to prove me right. Shall we try it?’

  He crossed the room at the speed of light, grasped her hands and pulled her against him.

  She tore herself out of his arms and took a stumbling step backwards. ‘No.’

  Alex followed her retreat and slid an arm around the small of her back. ‘No? You don’t sound very sure.’

  Again, she wrenched herself out of his arms. This time she put the length of the sofa between them. ‘I’m sure.’

  Alex eyed the sofa separating them. If Katrina thought that would stop him if he really wanted to get to her, then she had another thing coming.

  He shook his head, his mouth quirking at the corners. ‘Really? I don’t think you are.’

  She blinked.

  ‘Remember how you used to cry out my name when I sucked on your nipples?’ She licked her lips as if they were dry; colour swept into her cheeks. ‘And how you used to dig your nails into my back as you came? You drew blood on more than one occasion.’

  The colour in her cheeks deepened until they were burning a bright pink. Her pupils dilated, the golden-brown flecks standing out prominently. Her chest was rising and falling, her nipples pressing against the tan cotton of her top.